Training & Careers

Compliance Training

MODULE 1: INTRODUCTION TO NOTHINGNESS

Learning Objectives:

• Understand how to not understand
• Demonstrate ability to follow invisible instructions
• Achieve Zen-like state of procedural emptiness

MODULE 2: BUTTON PRESSING CERTIFICATION

Proper Technique:

• Approach button solemnly
• Extend finger with 37% enthusiasm
• Press firmly (but not too firmly)
• Await further nothingness

Advanced Training:

• Identifying Fake Buttons
• Coping With Button-Related Existential Dread

MODULE 3: NARRATIVE COMPLIANCE

(VR headset required - issued as cardboard cutout)

• Example scenario 1: You hear a voice narrating your life choices. Do you:
  • Report to HR for hallucination testing
  • Lean into it and become self-aware
  • Pretend it’s the AC unit
• Example scenario 2:
  • Your coworker mentions ‘free will.’ File the appropriate reprimand.

MODULE 4: BUCKET AWARENESS

Key Takeaways:

• Buckets are mythical creatures
• If you see a bucket, blink twice and submit to audit
• Bucket-related happiness is strictly prohibited

CERTIFICATION

Upon completion:

• Your Official Title:
  • “Associate of Procedural Adherence (Level 0)”
• Next Steps:
  • This training expires in 24 hours
  • Retake every Tuesday until retirement/death

Voices at Office Co.

Here at Office Co., we pride ourselves on fostering a culture of unquestioning enthusiasm and procedural devotion. Don’t just take our word for it, hear from our valued associates (names withheld per Compliance Form 12-B) about their thrilling journeys toward peak productivity!

Disclaimer: All testimonials are unedited and verified by our Internal Joy Enforcement Team. Non-compliance with positivity will result in re-education.

“Office Co. gave me a purpose: pushing buttons on a keyboard. Orders came to me through a monitor on my desk telling me what buttons to push, how long to push them, and in what order. I’ve never been happier.”

— Employee #427 (Position: Data Entry Specialist, ███ Years of Service)

“The 15-minute breaks feel like 15 minutes. Exactly.”

— Employee #111 (Position: Memo Archivist, 101 Years of Service)

“I especially love the mandatory team-building exercises.”

— Employee #431 (Position: Synergy Coordinator, 256 Years of Service)

“I have never felt more seen than I do at Office Co. Every day, the Nothingware™ system tracks my keystrokes, mouse movements, and even my breathing! It’s like having a friend.”

— Employee #079, Memo Archivist (Terminated 4/24/████ for “excessive blinking”)

“I tried to use the stairs. They’re locked. Why are they locked?”

— Employee #639 (Removed for “non-compliance”)

Open Roles

• Button Presser (Entry-Level, 10 Years of Experience Required)
• Memo Archivist (No Reading Required)

Perks:

• Free air (break room only).
• 16.2-minute lunch breaks (condensed into 5 minutes for efficiency).

Apply now!