Our Products & Services

CORE PRODUCT LINE

1. Nothingware™ Enterprise Suite

“Doing Nothing Has Never Been More Productive!”

• ButtonPress Pro™
  • Cloud-based button pressing with real-time compliance analytics.
  • “Now with 27% more pressing validation.”
  • Premium Add-ons:
    • Automatic Press™: We press the buttons for you (requires Thought Waiver Form 15-B)
    • PressBack™: Undo accidental productivity (3 undo limit per fiscal year)
• MemoFlow®
  • AI-powered memo generation and circulation system.
  • “Our algorithms write so you don’t have to think!”
  • Features:
    • Auto-categorizes memos by existential weight
    • 256 shades of beige for emphasis
    • “This Could Have Been an Email” flag
• DeskSense™
  • Patented desk occupancy monitoring.
  • “Because presence is 99% of work.”
  • Tracks:
    • Chair warmth
    • Sigh frequency
    • Unauthorized standing

WORKPLACE OPTIMIZATION SERVICES

1. The Full Office Co. Experience™

• Mandatory Fun™ Workshops
  • “Trust Falls: Learning to Embrace Sudden Collapse”
  • “Icebreakers for People Who Prefer Ice Unbroken”
• Synergy Retreats
  • Held in Windowless Room 999. Lunch not provided.

2. Narrative Compliance Consulting

• Storyboard employee tasks like TV tropes
• Conflict resolution via retconning
• Guaranteed to make your HR documents read like Kafka fanfiction

3. Bucket Mitigation Program

“There Is No Bucket”

• Weekly bucket disavowal seminars
• Bucket-shaped stress balls (for crushing urges)
• Emergency hotline for bucket-related ideation

ORDERING INFORMATION

Pricing:

• All products: “Competitive” (defined as “more than you have”)

Payment options:

• Soul-bearing statements (3 minimum)
• Promissory notes payable in overtime

Delivery:

• Digital products: Delivered via pneumatic tube to your soul
• Physical products: Shipped in unmarked boxes to “avoid excitement”

Support:

• Email: help@officeco.corp.com
• Phone: 1-800-NOT-REAL

DISCLAIMER

“Office Co. is not responsible for sudden awareness of the void. All purchases final, especially the existential ones. Void where prohibited by narrative constraints.”