Our Products & Services

CORE PRODUCT LINE

1. Nothingware™ Enterprise Suite

“Doing Nothing Has Never Been More Productive!”

• ButtonPress Pro™
  • Cloud-based button pressing with real-time compliance analytics.
  • “Now with 27% more pressing validation.”
  • Premium Add-ons:
    • Automatic Press™: We press the buttons for you (requires Thought Waiver Form 15-B)
    • PressBack™: Undo accidental productivity (3 undo limit per fiscal year)
• MemoFlow®
  • AI-powered memo generation and circulation system.
  • “Our algorithms write so you don’t have to think!”
  • Features:
    • Auto-categorizes memos by existential weight
    • 256 shades of beige for emphasis
    • “This Could Have Been an Email” flag
• DeskSense™
  • Patented desk occupancy monitoring.
  • “Because presence is 99% of work.”
  • Tracks:
    • Chair warmth
    • Sigh frequency
    • Unauthorized standing

WORKPLACE OPTIMIZATION SERVICES

1. The Full Office Co. Experience™

• Mandatory Fun™ Workshops
  • “Trust Falls: Learning to Embrace Sudden Collapse”
  • “Icebreakers for People Who Prefer Ice Unbroken”
• Synergy Retreats
  • Held in Windowless Room 999. Lunch not provided.

2. Narrative Compliance Consulting

• Storyboard employee tasks like TV tropes
• Conflict resolution via retconning
• Guaranteed to make your HR documents read like Kafka fanfiction

3. Bucket Mitigation Program

“There Is No Bucket”

• Weekly bucket disavowal seminars
• Bucket-shaped stress balls (for crushing urges)
• Emergency hotline for bucket-related ideation

ORDERING INFORMATION

Pricing:

• All products: “Competitive” (defined as “more than you have”)

Payment options:

• Soul-bearing statements (3 minimum)
• Promissory notes payable in overtime

Delivery:

• Digital products: Delivered via pneumatic tube to your soul
• Physical products: Shipped in unmarked boxes to “avoid excitement”

Support:

• Email: help@officeco.corp.com
• Phone: 1-800-NOT-REAL

DISCLAIMER

“Side effects of products and services may include: degrence, humber, nage, dorcelessness, andric, varination, ponnish, harfam, kyne, trantiveness, teluge, onlent, loric. Office Co. is not responsible for sudden awareness of the void, any sudden injury, or death, following the purchase of the product. All purchases final, especially the existential ones. Void where prohibited by narrative constraints.”