Our Policies
SECTION 1: GENERAL WORKPLACE CONDUCT
1.1 Existence Verification
All employees must complete daily Proof of Life forms between 8:47-8:52 AM. Late submissions will result in automatic termination (and possibly literal termination, pending HR review).
1.2 Emotional Regulation
- Happiness: Permitted in 7-minute increments (available in the break room only)
- Despair: Must be confined to approved cubicles (see Map 427-B)
- Curiosity: Fireable offense
1.3 Air Vent Usage
Vents are decorative. Any employee found entering, exiting, or acknowledging vents will be relocated to Floor █████.
- Only buttons labeled by Office Co.™ may be pressed
- Buttons must be pressed firmly, yet without enthusiasm
- Maximum presses per hour: 999.4 (tracked via ButtonSense™)
2.2 Emergency Scenarios
If a button does nothing:
- Press it harder
- File Form 15-X in triplicate
- Await further instructions (estimated wait time: 3-5 business eternities)
3.1 Bucket Denial
The Bucket does not exist. Employees reporting Bucket sightings will be scheduled for Mandatory Reality Alignment.
3.2 Bucket Temptation Procedure
If you feel compelled to “follow the Bucket”:
- Report to HR for immediate desk reassignment
- Complete 40 hours of Bucket Disavowal Training
- Surrender all promotions for Q3
SECTION 4: NARRATIVE COMPLIANCE
4.1 Storyline Adherence
- Deviation from assigned tasks constitutes Narrative Breach
- All unexpected events must be reported as “glitches”
- Doors may only be opened when narratively convenient
4.2 Memory Wipes
Weekly resets ensure optimal focus. Any deja vu incidents should be ignored (Policy 15-V) or celebrated (Policy 15-W, if Management is watching).
SECTION 5: TERMINATION & BEYOND
5.1 End of Employment
- Voluntary resignation: Impossible (see Contract Clause 427)
- Termination: Celebrated with mandatory cake (flavor: unspecified)
5.2 Post-Employment
Former employees will:
- Be erased from all records
- Become unpersons
- Continue receiving memos anyway